Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
