i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
