i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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