i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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