I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
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Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
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Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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