I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
