I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
