Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
