I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I want to fling myself into the sun
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
