I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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