now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
There are leaves in my underwear?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
