This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Found your dick twin last night
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
