a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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