I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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