I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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