Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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