Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
