those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
