Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
