i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
