Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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