This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
