I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
