You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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