You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
