Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Hippo gnu deer
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Are we still banned from the library?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
