I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
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