now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize