hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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