Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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