remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
