he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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