I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
