my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
