I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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