Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
