mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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