May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
