I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I want to make a zoo with you.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
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This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
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She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize