oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
