He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
