I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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