Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
