What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
