1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
