I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize