I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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