i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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