It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
even my farts smell like vagina
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
