Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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