I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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