I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
this just has baby written all over it
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
