just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
