I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
