I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.