Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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