hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
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You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
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You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno