He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.