She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
