mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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