I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
