I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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